ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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