I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize