You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
