Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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