I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
