my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
