I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
