He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i think i just lost a toe
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