Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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