My sheets look like a crime scene.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
