the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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