does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
