you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
