Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
