So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
