ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize