So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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