yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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