I accidentally had phone sex last night
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
