The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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