I'm so fucking centered right now
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm like, not good at living.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
