I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
