The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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