Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
