Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
