White coat. Heels.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
