The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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