My first STD was from a foam party
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
