i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
All the doctor said was why
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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