I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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