Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
