My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
50% drunk capacity currently
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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