Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
