Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
