Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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