Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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