I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
