ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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