i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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