When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm like, not good at living.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
