You're my little dorito
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
