You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
