if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
