you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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