So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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