Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
