i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
