sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize