Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
