So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
