3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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