I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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