i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
