pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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