where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
