I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm passing your future prison.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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