my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
