I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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