i just had sex bonerless
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
