My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
