i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
