Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
