I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
