____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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