I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
