Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
