i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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