nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
