Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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