last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
