Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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