Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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