Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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